We all have those moments when we know exactly what we need to do.

You know you to take a breath instead of sending that text when you’re arguing with your partner. 

You know that staying up until 2 a.m. replaying the conversation from work probably isn’t helping. 

You know you need to set a boundary, take a break or do something to get your mind off the thing you’re worrying about.

But, in the moment, knowing doesn’t always translate into doing.

That’s part of why I appreciate Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT doesn’t ask you to just think your way out of difficult emotions. It gives you concrete skills for getting through intense moments, understanding what you’re feeling, communicating more effectively and making choices that align with the person you want to be.

You don’t have to be in crisis to use DBT skills, either. They can be surprisingly useful in daily life: after a difficult conversation, when you’re overwhelmed at work, when you feel anxious or when you’re trying not to say something you’ll regret.

DBT Skills You Can Start Using Today

1. Pause Before You React

When something upsetting happens, your first impulse can feel really convincing. Maybe someone sends a short text, and you immediately assume they’re angry with you. Or your boss gives you unexpected feedback, and your stomach drops. Someone may have crossed a boundary, and you feel the urge to immediately defend yourself.

Before doing anything, try creating a little space between the feeling and the response.

Pay attention to:

• What happened?
• What am I feeling?
• What am I wanting to do right now?
• What might happen if I act on that urge?

The goal isn’t to talk yourself out of your feelings; it’s to give yourself more time to clearly decide what you want to do next. 

2. Get Curious About the Emotion

DBT treats emotions as information. That doesn’t mean every emotion tells you exactly what is true, but emotions can give you a lot of useful information about what is happening inside you. Instead of immediately asking, “How do I make this feeling go away?” try asking: “What am I actually feeling?

You may feel anger that’s connected to hurt or numbness that’s tied to feeling overwhelmed, and naming the emotion more accurately can change your experience.

For example, your initial thought of “I feel bad.” If you give yourself time to pay attention to what you’re feeling, you may notice that you’re actually feeling embarrassed, disappointed, scared of being rejected or lonely. Putting words to what’s happening can give you something more to work with.

3. Check the Facts Before You Let Your Brain Run With the Story

Our brains are very good at filling in missing information.

Someone doesn’t text back → “They’re mad at me.”

Your boss says, “Can we talk?” → “I’m in trouble.”

A friend cancels plans → “They don’t really want to spend time with me.”

Sometimes those interpretations are accurate, but a lot of times they aren’t. A DBT skill called “checking the facts” asks you to slow down and separate what you know from what you’re assuming about the situation.

Try writing down the following:

What I know:

Ex. My friend canceled dinner.

What I’m telling myself:

Ex. They’re tired of me.

What I don’t know yet:

Ex. Why they canceled.

Making those small distinctions can keep an uncomfortable moment from turning into an entire story about your worth, your relationships, or your future.

4. Know the Difference Between Solving and Surviving

Not every painful moment can be fixed immediately. In certain situations, there may be something you can do to change the current outcome, but other times, you have to just get through the next hour before you can figure out what comes next. When that happens, distress tolerance can help you get through that period of time. 

Distress tolerance isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about getting through a difficult moment without making it worse. In DBT, this is one of the four core skill areas (Linehan Institute, 2019).

When you’re highly activated, try something simple and physical:

• Take a walk
• Splash water on your face
• Hold something cold
• Listen to music
• Take a shower
• Step outside
• Slow your breathing
• Put your phone down for ten minutes
• Pay attention to something you can touch, see, smell, hear, or taste

5. Practice “Both/And” Thinking

One of the things I love about DBT is the idea that two seemingly conflicting things can be true at the same time. 

You can love someone and be angry with them.

You can understand why someone behaved a certain way and still feel hurt by it.

You can be proud of yourself and know there are things you want to change.

You can be doing your best and still need to do something differently.

You can accept where you are and want something to change.

This is sometimes called a dialectical way of thinking. Instead of forcing yourself to choose between two extremes, you allow room for complexity.

6. Say What You Need Without Apologizing for Existing

Interpersonal effectiveness is another core area of DBT that focuses on communicating what you need while also taking care of your relationships and your own self-respect (Linehan Institute, 2019).

This might sound like:

“I’m not available tonight, but I can talk tomorrow.”

“I need a little more notice before making plans.”

“I understand where you’re coming from, but that doesn’t work for me.”

“I’m too overwhelmed to have this conversation right now. Can we come back to it tomorrow?”

“I’d like you to listen before offering advice.”

For people who are used to people-pleasing, over-explaining or avoiding conflict, this can take a lot of practice, and that’s totally okay! Sometimes it helps to try saying a few of the statements above to see what feels the most comfortable for you. 

7. Take Care of Your Emotional Baseline

Sometimes we try to use a complicated coping skill when the real problem is that we’re exhausted, hungry, overstimulated, lonely or running on three hours of sleep. DBT’s emotion regulation skills include strategies for reducing vulnerability to intense emotions. 

That means ensuring you get enough sleep, eat regularly, move your body, rest, spend time outside, engage in activities that bring you joy and connect with people you love. This doesn’t mean that you need to create the perfect wellness routine. It’s more about recognizing that your emotional capacity changes depending on what your body has been dealing with. We’re more likely to feel stressed or on edge when we’re exhausted. 

8. Practice When You Don’t Need the Skill

This is probably the most useful piece of advice on the list. Don’t wait until you’re completely overwhelmed to try a new coping skill for the first time. Practice when things are relatively calm.

Take three slow breaths when you’re sitting in the car.

Notice what emotion you’re experiencing while you’re doing the dishes.

Practice saying a small “no” when you actually have the capacity to do so.

Take a short break before responding to an annoying email.

Pay attention to what helps your body feel at ease.

The more familiar these skills become, the easier they can be to reach for when you actually need them.

DBT Isn’t About Never Getting Upset

One misconception about emotional regulation is that the goal is to become someone who never gets overwhelmed, angry, anxious, sad, or reactive, which isn’t realistic. You’re still going to have difficult days. People will disappoint you. You’ll say things you wish you hadn’t said. Sometimes your emotions will be bigger than you expected.

The goal isn’t to eliminate those experiences, but to have more choices in how you respond when they do happen.

DBT skills can help you notice what’s happening, tolerate what you can’t immediately change, communicate more clearly and respond in ways that are more consistent with your values. The Linehan Institute identifies mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness as the four core DBT skill areas. (Linehan Institute, 2019).

When You Need More Than a New Skill

When you understand the skill and still can’t figure out why the same patterns keep happening, therapy might be helpful. Skills can give you tools for navigating what is happening in the moment. Therapy can give you space to understand the deeper patterns underneath it: where they came from, what they’re protecting, and what might need to change.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, struggling in your relationships or stuck in patterns you can’t shift on your own, consider reaching out for support. I offer holistic therapy in NYC and online across New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Louisiana, Texas and North Carolina. Contact me for a free consultation.

References

Linehan Institute. (2019). DBT at the Linehan Institute. Linehan Institute. https://www.linehaninstitute.org/what-is-dbt-skills